Authors note: Everything in part 3 is written in the first person from Billy’s mind. Italics are direct thoughts.
I don’t think I can do this any more. I can’t keep pretending to be something I’m not. Why are you doing this to me. She leaned back and wiped the tears from her eyes and blew her nose. Why do I keep asking you stupid questions when you’re not real. What a fuck up I am. No omnipotent being who was supposed to love His (Her?) creation would be so cruel. You either don’t exist, or you are a complete asshole.
One time she had succeeded in killing her self. Freshman year, she decided she wasn’t going to dress in sweats for outside gym and ended with a severe case of mono. While she was on heavy medication, which included a high dose of codeine, she drank herself to death at an away football game by smuggling two ten ounce juice bottles filled with rum in her band hat and sucking them down after halftime in about five minutes. After initially refusing to help, the paramedics revived her from having no pulse or respiration for nearly five minutes. Why didn’t we sue the fuck out of them? The worst part was having to endure the lectures from the school administration about how I had embarrassed them and my classmates. Fuck that. She had played naive and pretended not to know how bad alcohol could be. Suckers!
She went over to her bureau and pulled out an over-sized t-shirt she bought at a Big and Tall store at the mall and slid it over her head. It was black and it fell down to about six inches above her knees. She pulled on a pair of underwear to help hide the very large bump that no girl should have, then grabbed the black banana clip buried in the back of her underwear drawer and went to the bathroom, where she pulled her hair back and snapped the hair clip in place. She leaned against the sink as she looked at herself in the mirror and almost smiled.
She wandered into the kitchen and poured herself a very large bowl of Capt’n Crunch and went into to living room to watch TV. There was a TV in her bedroom, but this one was larger and had better color. Saturday morning cartoons were not what they used to be, but it’s still Saturday morning cartoons. And, they still had Scooby.
It was just a long t-shirt, but to her it was a dress. And, the banana clip? That was everything. It was incredible the way it made her feel. For a short time, there was no turmoil in her mind and everything just seemed right. No need for drugs or alcohol.
When she was younger, and they still lived in the old house, she would sneak up to the attic where she had two or three of her sisters old dresses stashed away and she could wear them until her mother called her down. Mom never went upstairs. Her brother and two oldest sisters had moved out and her younger older sister was never around. Who could blame her, really. It got more difficult to get her dress time when her sister moved her room up there, but she still got dress time enough so she didn’t go crazy.
It wasn’t until they moved to the new house, and she didn’t get any dress time, that she started on the drinking. Then weed. Then Coke. And, oh what a wonderful discovery mescaline was. She learned early on the difference between that and LSD, when she got duped once. Only once. In order to get a big enough dose to get a good trip, it had to be in the large capsules. There was no way to get enough in those little tabs or dots, so they had to be LSD, which was okay if you couldn’t find and mesc, but nowhere near as good a ride. And, you didn’t want to pay for mescaline if you were getting LSD. Big difference in price.
She flipped channels after Scooby and found Jem and the Holograms. Even “Looney Tunes” is starting to suck. The new ones weren’t as good and the old ones just plain and simply got over-played.
Her stomach sunk and she thought she was going to vomit when she heard the car door close. She ran to her room, setting the bowl on the table on the way by, and had barely closed the door to the bedroom when her parents came in. Way to pay attention, Bekka.
In her minds eye, she was Rebecca. Bekka. Billy didn’t exist. It was so much better in in her mind. Fantasy was always so much better than reality. Especially when she dreamed.
She was a lucid dreamer, so the world was her oyster in her dreams. She was always a girl. All girl. She wore all kinds of beautiful dresses and got her hair done. She had both ears pierced, not just one, and always wore the nicest jewelry and perfect makeup. She did feminine things in feminine ways and it was just wonderful. She was still a drummer, though. And, she played baseball with the boys, not softball. She was the first woman to play in the Major Leagues. And, she was always with Jacey MacClain. (She was a cheerleader. And beautiful. And Bekka’s major crush.) Jacey meant beautiful moon.
Reality sucked. Big time. In reality, it was jeans and a t-shirt. Nothing pretty or feminine at all. And, no Jacey.
Tears started again as she pulled the clip from her hair and pulled on some shorts and a t-shirt.
She made small talk with her parents about their breakfast and told her mother she wasn’t feeling good when she asked if she’d been crying, and told her she would probably just curl up in bed and watch TV for the day.
When she got back to her room, she stripped naked and climbed into bed without turning the TV on. She was going to try to slip away into dream land where life was beautiful all the time and she could go to some exotic place and wear something that made her happy. And be with Jacey.
She thought it was a bit crazy that whenever she managed to have a girlfriend, she never included that girl in her dreams. Ever. It was always Jacey. Always.
* * * *
This dream was different. She could see Jacey near the senior wall, but they weren’t “together” for some reason. She looked around and noticed that she was him. She tried to change herself and failed. Panic rose and she(he) felt nausea in her(his) belly. Every time she dreamed about them before was never at school. It was always later in life.
Billy took a deep breath to steady himself and walked over and tapped her on the the shoulder to get her attention. She turned towards him with a weird look on her face. “Yes?”
His heart sank. This was not right. He swallowed, “I thought you might like to go to the prom with me.”
She laughed at him. As did anyone who was in hearing distance. “Why would I ever consider going to the prom with you?”
He turned and walked away with as much dignity as he could muster fighting back tears that wanted desperately to be shed. Everyone was laughing at him. Laughing and pointing. He needed to wake up.
Why the fuck can’t I wake the fuck up!”
* * * *
Who knows how long the phone rang before it finally woke him up. But it did wake him up.
“Hey, Billy. I need you to come over.”
It was his current girl, Kensy. She sounded weird. “Not feeling it, today, Kenz.”
There was a pause before she answered. “I’m pregnant.”