Let’s Talk About Love; and all the reasons I’ll never find it, again.

I’ve been doing it ever since I discovered I was interested in girls. Pretty awkward, actually. I mean, after my mother had told me that I was really a boy, I tried my hardest to pretend that I was one and act as macho as I could. But, I knew I was really a girl and being attracted to girls was something entirely new to me.

What I would do is this; I would find a girl attractive and I would fixate on her. I would let my fantasies totally take over. After all, fantasy was a hell of a lot better than reality. I would fantasize that the girl likes me back and I would actually have a relationship with her in my dreams. Sick! Right? I just knew that these girls would never really be interested in me in real life. After all, I was just poor girl trapped in a reality that absolutely and positively sucked.

In my dreams, I always wore feminine clothes. And, these girls I was with didn’t seem to care. It’s hard to explain, but I knew I was still a man and just wore girl clothes. It’s hard to imagine what I was going through because I absolutely knew in my heart that I was really a girl.

Things started getting interesting when girls actually started taking an interest in me. I couldn’t figure out why and I actually tried to avoid the situation as long as I could. Then, one day, it occurred to me that this was what I actually wanted. I wanted to be close to these girls. I wanted to have a relationship with them. So, when I did get close to one particular girl, I let things go a bit too far. I lost my virginity on December 5, 1979.* Life would never be the same.

There are many different words that could be used to describe my sex life. I prefer to use the word promiscuous. It has a more pleasant ring to it than some of the others. Don’t you think?

* unless you count the fact that I was raped about 2 1/2 years earlier

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Suicide Note

I’m writing this one so you all know exactly how I feel. Life is very hard. It always has been. So, why would people do things to make it even harder?

It seems like I’ve always got this really bad and nauseous feeling in my chest and stomach, lately. I have this feeling of dread. Like something really bad is going to happen. I wake up every day depressed and struggle to get out of bed. I dread going on Facebook or any social media. I can’t handle being in public or around people at all. Every time I’m not reading, my mind thinks of all the terrible things going on in my life. So, I have to ask myself; is it worth it?

Is it?

Should I just end it all and stop the suffering?

For the first 18 years of my life, I did everything I could to make sure my life was a short one. I actually succeeded in dying twice. I remember being very disappointed in being returned to the living. (I should have 7 lives left. Maybe I should put a bullet in my head and test the theory.)

This is my current life:

I get up.

I go to work.

I go home.

I get up.

I go to work.

I go home.

I get up.

I go the work.

I go home.

The government is doing everything in their power to erase the existence of people like me.

So called “friends” post disturbingly transphobic things on Facebook.

People make promises to me they never or don’t intend to keep.

The first thing one of my siblings said to me when I told them I was transgender was, “At least your not gay.” Hello. I’m a woman attracted to women. That makes me a lesbian. I am gay.

One of my sons won’t let me see my grandkids. His father can see them any time. But, I can’t.

I only have one sibling that has never reverted back to my old name or gender.

My mother has rejected me because of my spiritual beliefs which haven’t changed in over 40 years. She can’t get past the word witch.

I can’t go anywhere or do anything because the person who promised me they would fix my car always has an excuse why he can’t. I’m going to miss the most important social event during the most spiritual time of the year in the Pagan community because I have no way to get there.

I have picked people up, brushed them off, and put them back on their feet more than their entire family combined, only to be called selfish and uncaring.

I have been sexually harassed.

I have been raped.

I look it the mirror and always see a man looking back at me.

I get misgendered at work at least 3-4 times a shift. Sometimes I feel it’s on purpose.

I’m tired all the time.

I’m financially stressed more than I ever have been in my life.

Trans union messed up my nearly perfect credit score after my legal name change.

Any one of these reasons is enough to push some people over their breaking point.

Now that I have your attention, let me make one thing perfectly clear right now. I have absolutely no desire whatsoever to end my life. I have way too much to live for. Even if the world has stacked the deck against me.

But, there are some mind-blowing stats out there:

Employers are given free rain to discriminate against transgender people.

41% of all transgender people will attempt suicide at least one in there lifetime.

78% of those will attempt it a second time.

Suicide is the second leading cause of death with all people aged 10-34. (That’s 3 different demographics; 10-14, 15-24, and 25-34)

If you or someone you know needs help, please reach out. There are a lot more people who care than you might realize.

Let’s do what we can to keep hope alive.

Love, Light and Harmony, my beautiful friends.

Peace, Mistress Catherine

https://www.paypal.me/CatherineBoudreau

Perceptions And Disenchantments

Once again I journeyed into the world of GGG (Gaia Goddess Gathering). This is an all inclusive women’s spiritual retreat. This year they celebrated Airmid. I was fortunate enough to be invited by one of the wonderful women who run the gathering every year and was informed that they would love to have me there and that they included everyone and the transgender community was, in fact, very welcome.

I was not able to attend the first year because of scheduling conflicts and when I bumped into these wonderful ladies again the following summer they once again invited me to come out to the event. So I obliged and attended and had an absolutely wonderful time. The event starts on Thursday and ends on Sunday. Over the course of the entire weekend I was miss-gendered a total of one time and the person who did it realized they did it and later sought me out to apologized and everything was fine.

As I said, I had a great time. I wandered around barefoot in the woods for the whole weekend exploring every inch of the 160 acres that I could get my bare feet on. People were very welcoming and understanding and I left the event just feeling totally euphoric and at peace.

I really love the environment here in the woods. (I’m writing this at my campsite Sunday afternoon.) I’ve been camping since I was about 4 1/2 months old, as my parents were park rangers, and spent most of my summers in state parks in Massachusetts until I was approximately 14. I had to ask myself why I stopped camping because I loved it so much.

This year, however things went totally sideways. I took a few extra days off so I could come early and stay late. I arrived here on Wednesday, which is a day early, and planned on staying until Monday, which is a day late. So, on Thursday afternoon I went down to the registration building to sign in for the event. I walked in and was greeted with, “may I help you sir?”

I know I cringed or at least shut my eyes at this. This was a women’s only event and I was immediately mis-gendered as a man. I was wearing a dress. I have a feminine haircut. I know I wasn’t wearing any make up or jewelry, but I feel I was adequately presenting in the feminine. To make matters worse nobody in the building seemed to notice what happened. No one present seemed to even acknowledge that anything was wrong. It was said as a matter of fact, just assuming I was a man and nothing was ever done to correct it even after I presented my ID, which lists me as female, and signed in to the event. This to me is worse than the person who says it, catches it and apologizes for their slip. Hey, we all slip. I get it. But, I feel that this was a different scenario all together.

So, I checked in and signed up for my community service, which we all have to do, and proceeded to head back up the hill toward my campsite. I decided that I would stop and get ice along the way and I pulled in stopping to get it and presented a $20 bill first thing. The woman said that she couldn’t make change for that so early and I was about to suggest to her just keeping the full $20 and keeping track of how much I spent and then just giving the change at the end of the weekend. I knew I’d need to get ice every day, so that wouldn’t have bothered me. At that time another woman spoke up and said she believed she could break the 20 so “you can give him change”. Again I cringed. I hadn’t been signed into the event for 10 minutes and I had already been miss gendered twice as much as I had the previous year.

I got back to my campsite and immediately went on Facebook to declare I will definitely not be back next year. I personally feel that I had every right to feel upset. And here’s what bothered me even more. Not one member of the leadership asked me how the situation could be corrected. Nobody asked me how we could avoid this happening next year. Nobody came to me to offer any form of apology. To be fair I don’t really need an apology. I hate apologies. But, I think in this instance one would’ve been appreciated. I had several people tell me I was wanted there and that leadership was upset with what was going on. However, like I said, nobody approached me about the situation. I felt like I was the object of many stairs and glares throughout the weekend and I was definitely made to feel like an outsider in many situations. I definitely feel, at this point, that I will, in fact, not be returning next year. I mean, why would I want to willingly subject myself to this sort of behavior?

I even had a conversation with someone who claimed to be supportive but continued to make excuses for the others behavior and explain to me why transgender women should not be allowed to compete in sporting events and the unfair advantages we had over cis-gender women in general.

Now, I did have some positive experiences. My friend Laurie was very happy to see me. We hung out a few times and talked and caught up because we haven’t seen each other in quite some time. And I really enjoyed spending that time with my friend. While she sat with a few other women who were crocheting, I sat and joked about how I have no talent for that sort of thing and met and talked and interacted with several other women who were more than happy to include me in the conversation.

The next night I met three wonderful women who I sat with, shared food and wine, and had a nice conversation. I was really beginning to think that things were going to take a turn for the better. I even spent some time the following morning, the last day of the festival, with one of them at her vendor stand just chatting with one another and enjoying each other’s company.

Another thing that I really enjoyed was my interaction with the children. The willingness of the girls to show me a great deal of respect while most of them called me Miss Catie, really made me happy. I really enjoyed their excitement and all the wonderful positive energy that was just emanating from them every time they passed by. I hope and dream that these wonderful young ladies will keep that positive attitude as they grow into the next phase of their lives. It’s so easy to become bitter. I truly hope this doesn’t happen to them, because I think they’re absolutely wonderful just the way they are.

Then, things started to go south, again. As everything was coming to a close and people were starting to pack up they all started talking about how they needed help breaking down and how I could volunteer next year and that I should join and become a member. And, all I could think of was how amazing it was that people wanted me to be a member and join something where I didn’t feel that I was entirely welcome. Don’t get me wrong. Many of the people who were talking to me and asking me to do these things were people that have always been friendly with me and excepting and made me feel welcome. But even after telling them that I felt like I wasn’t exactly welcome this year, they still wanted me to make commitments that I am not willing to make. Not as things currently stand. I mean, no one was willing to help me, but when they needed help, I was their best friend.

After leaving the pavilion, I was stopped by a young woman who could not have been 20 years old, who informed me that I need to obey the speed limit. That I need to watch out for wildlife. I need to be respectful of the land. We were visitors here and it was their home. I was, in fact, going under the posted speed limit. She had a very condescending attitude. You know what I mean? Polite on the surface, indignation in her tone and her stare? I wanted to just rip into her about the disrespect she just showed me. (Did I mention I grew up in State Parks? Did I mention how many times I’ve rescued wildlife because of inconsiderate assholes? Did I mention I’ve probably done more to preserve and protect the environment than she probably ever conceived to dream up in her self centered little mind?) I chose to take the high ground, however. I just said thank you and moved along.

I feel that some serious steps need to be taken if they want me to attend next year. And, let’s face it, what it’s going to come down to is this; do they, in fact, want me to attend next year? Do they, in fact, want me to be a member? Are they willing to put forth the energy to make people like myself feel welcome? Or, will they feel it’s just not worth it? Because, right now I don’t feel that is actually the case. I don’t feel that I am totally wanted by every member of this community.

Addendum:

I’m home, now. It’s Monday night. I didn’t publish this right away because I didn’t want to post angry. I’ve tried to step back and look at the weekend from a different perspective. Was I over reacting? Was I being unreasonable in my expectations? Was I blowing things out of proportion? I’m going to be honest. I still feel as though I have every right to be upset.

I have some pretty thick skin and it usually takes quite a bit to get me upset. I worry about the transgender women who may follow behind me some day who may end up down a dysphoric black hole because of something like this. I know of several other transgender people in the KC area and more than one of the women have expressed interest in attending GGG. I feel that an organization that proclaims to be all inclusive and specifically mentions gender identity on their website, should do more to make sure transgender women feel comfortable and accepted at their event.

I waited one week to publish this blog so I could be sure it would not be something I would regret doing. I look forward to hearing all your opinions.

Love, Light and Harmony.

Peace, Mistress Catherine

𝕾𝖔𝖒𝖊𝖙𝖎𝖒𝖊𝖘 𝕴 𝖂𝖗𝖎𝖙𝖊

I’ve written a thing or two through the years. From a quick little sonnet, to full on poetry. I’ve written short stories, and I even wrote a one act play once back in high school. I even started a book I never got to finish. (Hmm. I wonder where that is?)

The thing most people know me for writing, is my blog. (All 15 of you) Those of you who were friends with me in high school remember that I used to dabble a little bit in music. (I pretended to be a drummer) I was known to occasionally pin some lyric for a song which usually Steve or Scott put some music to.

There are not too many creative type things that I’ve written in the past thirty years that I am particularly proud of. When it comes to lyrical or poetic or any other creative type of writing, I just don’t really think it’s my thing. You know? Who knows? Maybe I’m just lazy. But, I just got done writing something that I am actually a little bit proud of. I really wish I could sit down with one of my old writing companions and hum a few bars and see if we could make something out of this piece of whatever.

Maybe I’ll write a third verse. Maybe I won’t. But, here it is if you care to read it.

I hate it when WordPress won’t let format it the way I want. I had it all broken down into stanzas, but it just prints it out like this. So, hopefully you can figure it out.

Long Way To Heaven:

Life is a hard road to travel

Life is a bitch that hangs around, sometimes

Life is a twisting turning long and winding road

What life has in mind, no one really knows

Choices are made to ease the pressure

Choices are made to reach the end, of the line

Choices are made sometimes we wish we didn’t make

Some choices we get don’t always help us grow

And

I don’t know where I’m going

know I don’t like where I’ve been

I just wander ‘round this great big World

‘Til I’m back where it begins

‘Cuz it’s a long way to heaven…….

And to get back home

Running on empty under pressure

Running in circles ‘round again, half the time

Running away from life is all that we can do

Sometimes the Running, is just how we survive

Hiding away between the shadows

Hiding ourselves the way we do, from the light

Hiding becomes the truth and truth becomes the lie

knowing the hiding is the way we stay alive

And

I don’t know where I’m going

know I don’t like where I’ve been

I just wander ‘round this great big World

‘Til I’m back where it begins

‘Cuz it’s a long way to heaven…….

And to get back home

Love, Light and Peace, my friends

Catie

Lies? Or Hidden Truths?

I’m going to tell you a secret about myself that I’ve never told anyone. It’s hard to tell the world something you’ve kept inside yourself your entire life. I know. I’ve done it twice.

When I came out as transgender back in 2015, I was very relieved that I was met with such overwhelming support and understanding. I’m still humbled to this day. When I came out as pagan a couple years later, I wasn’t met with quite as much acceptance and enthusiasm. But, it’s not for everyone. Especially when you tell people that you think their belief system is severely flawed.

I think writing about this is even a little bit more difficult. I don’t know why. But, I feel it’s time that people know this about me.

I suffer from severe social anxiety.

I always have.

I never went over to play at a friends house when I was a child. Except Gina’s. That was the only place and sometimes I didn’t even feel comfortable there. I very seldom played with other kids at all.

How many of you that I went to high school with can honestly say they saw me at a party? I think I went to three. One of my sister, Lori’s. One I threw only with very close and dear friends at my own house. And Bobby Mallet’s graduation party. And that was just a brief showing.

My first wife liked to hang out with her friends and I would go along. Most of the time I would either sit in the corner by myself, or I’d end up practically being the center of attention because I was so nervous I couldn’t stop making jokes and stuff like that.

After her and I split up, I spent the next approximately 10 years alone and shut in my house when I wasn’t at work. I remember working up the guts to go out on occasion and I always had my stomach in knots because I was so nervous.

I’ve been with my current wife for a little over 15 years. It hasn’t exactly been a bed of roses, but it is what it is. She complains that I never want to do anything. That all I want to do is sit at home and watch TV. She’s right. I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to leave the comfort and confines of my home. Why would I want to go out into the world where people act like, well, people.

I don’t think it’s ever occurred to her that the reason I start acting like a complete and total fucking asshole when I’m around people for an extended amount of time is because of my social anxiety. I don’t think it even occurred to her because she has a hard time seeing things in an unselfish way. But, my feelings about the way she feels about me and her somewhat selfish attitude is a completely different subject, altogether.

I have very politely and courteously asked people to not have people over the house all the time. Having people I don’t know around is very difficult for me. When you bring someone inside my space it fills me with complete and total anxiety and sometimes I just don’t know how to handle it. I try to be social, but most of the time I just come across as being a fucking asshole.

I think they like it that way. I think they like that I am the asshole. That way they don’t have to blame themselves. They didn’t do anything wrong. It was me. Because , I’m just a fucking asshole.

I’m also empathic. I’m not a full blown empath. I’m not a human lie detector. But, I can definitely feel emotion. I could be in a great mood and walk into a room with someone who is angry and I become angry. I can feel negativity as it oozes from your pores, and it sucks the life out of me.

I can’t tell you how many times I was excited to go do something only the back out at the last moment because I knew I just wouldn’t be able to handle being in a crowd. I used to love to go to concerts, but every time I’d have to psych my self into it and tell myself that everything will be all right. It’s so exhausting.

I’ve been able to cope with things for the most part because I’ve always had some sort of talisman with me. I wore a black obsidian necklace with a quartz crystal for almost 12 years. It helped a great deal and I was devastated when the crystal fell out. I tried to replace the crystal, but it just wasn’t the same. Currently, I carry obsidian in my pocket. It helps, but not the way that necklace did.

These days you’ll find that when I’m under the most stress and having a truly anxious moment or moments, I’m swearing like a sailor. If I’m saying fuck a lot, you know I’m nervous. That’s my stress relief valve. Fuck. It works.

So, the next time you see me sitting in the corner by myself, or you’re around me when every other word out of my mouth is fuck, maybe you won’t judge me as harshly. Maybe you’ll have a little sympathy and understand that I’m not coping well. I’m not really the asshole everybody thinks I am. I’m just trying to keep myself together the only way I know how.

𝒫ℯ𝒶𝒸ℯ ℒℴ𝓋ℯ ℒ𝒾ℊ𝒽𝓉 𝒶𝓃𝒹 ℋ𝒶𝓇𝓂ℴ𝓃𝓎

𝕸𝖎𝖘𝖙𝖗𝖊𝖘𝖘 𝕮𝖆𝖙𝖍𝖊𝖗𝖎𝖓𝖊

𝓦𝓱𝔂 𝓦𝓮 𝓢𝓱𝓸𝓾𝓵𝓭 𝓜𝓲𝓷𝓭 𝓞𝓾𝓻 𝓞𝔀𝓷 𝓑𝓾𝓼𝓲𝓷𝓮𝓼𝓼

Those of you who have read some of my blogs know I am Transgender and a Pagan Witch. If you feel the need for titles/names, I identify as a Solitary, Eclectic, Grey Witch who is a Transgender Woman and an Ordained Priestess. I have recently declared my desire to be called Mistress, or Mistress Catherine. I tried Lady Catherine, but many won’t use an old fashioned title. I tried Sister Catherine for a bit, but people confuse me for a nun, which I am not. Some have joked with me about whips and riding crops and such, and to be quite honest, I have no issues with people thinking I’m a dominatrix/domina.

I belong to quite a few groups/communities on Facebook. So, I see a lot of interaction between people that I don’t personally know. I joined most of these groups so I could interact with people who have similar beliefs, issues, or life challenges to myself. I have left several groups because the administrators of those pages seem to have their own agenda and will remove posts that don’t fit in with what their idea of what the community should be. Hey, it’s their page. If they want to be assholes, they can. But, not with me being a part of it.

I have also stopped frequenting some pages because they have gotten so big, admins are forced to make silly rules and the concept behind the page changes. I once put a picture of a litter of black kittens on a Pagan page and it was removed because it wasn’t deemed Pagan related. Really? Black cats and Witches are kind of a well known thing.

Things got so bad on another page, admins had to start approving posts before they would publish. I had several positive and uplifting posts denied and no reason given.

I’ve seen admins and moderators change over the course of time and totally change the dynamic of the group as old members left and new ones came.

I tried to start my own community page on Facebook, once and it never caught on. Several months ago, I tried to start a local community page and the judgement towards some people from others was enough to make me delete it. So, I get how difficult it is to administer a page. I understand why such stupid rules are needed. I just wish the world was a better place.

” Like minded people.” What a joke that statement is. There may be people out there that share the same afflictions or basic beliefs or life experiences as us, but, I am of the belief that there is no such thing as a truly “like minded” person.

Allow me to piggyback on to my last blog with a pet peeve. If you are not a member of the transgender community, you do not get to weigh in on the use of pronouns. There was a post on a pagan page where someone who writes books asked about pronoun preferences for someone who was non-binary. 90% of the people who answered the question were not transgender, let alone non-binary. They don’t get a vote. If you are not transgender you do not get a vote. Leave it to those of us who are to educate those who aren’t. If you have to preface your answer with “my opinion is” or “I think” or “I asked a friend”, you’re not qualified to answer the question. Period. End of discussion.

The same holds true to Pagan related questions. If you don’t know a persons path or if you don’t know the path that the question was asked about, you don’t get to answer the question. Leave it to those who walk that path or who understand it better to answer those questions. For example, I’m not Wiccan. So, I don’t ask answer questions about Wicca. That would be silly of me. And a bit arrogant, to be honest.

If you are not Pagan, don’t answer Pagan related questions.

If you are not Transgender, don’t answer Transgender related questions.

If you are not Gay or Lesbian, don’t answer Gay and Lesbian related questions.

If you are not a woman, don’t answer questions aimed at women.

And, if you are not one of these, you don’t get to tell us how we are supposed to live our lives and what we can or can not do with our bodies. Your morals are not ours. Your beliefs are not ours. Perspective is everything.

It’s really simple here, folks. You respect me, and I’ll respect you. Easy, right?

Love, Light, Peace and Harmony

Mistress Catherine

https://www.paypal.me/CatherineBoudreau

Pet Peeves; and a bit of a rant

I started writing this blog some time last year. There were things that were really grinding at me, so I took to my trusty iPad and started writing. Sometimes, I find that just writing something down will go a long way in alleviating the issue that was bothering me. This was the case with this particular blog at the time. But, things have come full circle and I decided to take it up again. So, here it goes.

We all have those things that get under our skin. Many times, those things are habits or speech by others that annoy us more than just a little. We may even do things that annoy others. I have several pet peeves of which I will share a few.

One thing that really irritates me a great deal is when a witch refers to her pet as a familiar. Just because you have a black cat (or any pet, for that matter) doesn’t mean that that black cat or pet is a familiar. A familiar is any animal that aids you in, or protects you during a rite, ritual or casting. Just because your pet is very loving and loyal and makes you feel good about yourself does not make it a familiar. Please, people, stop referring to your pets as familiars. It really insults the actual familiars that are out there.

Another thing, in the pagan community, that really gets to me, is women who are too young to have lived long enough to acquire the wisdom necessary, calling themselves Crones. Explain to me, please, how a woman in her late 20’s to early 30s has walked the path long enough to acquire the wisdom necessary to use this incredible honorific. There’s a big difference between knowledge and wisdom. I can read every book out there about witchcraft and gain an incredible amount of knowledge, but it doesn’t mean I have gained enough life experience or wisdom to teach it.

I recently read something on Facebook where the poster asked if anyone besides her was going to skip the “Mother” phase and go right to Crone. Really!? You don’t get to skip an important part of the life cycle because you choose not to have children. If you feel the need to be called something beyond Maiden, use the term Priestess. After all, priestess means teacher.

I think that in this age of technology where anything can be found at the touch of a keyboard and is readily available at your fingertips, too many people are too willing to throw titles around that haven’t been earned and are not deserving. That is, of course, my very humble opinion.

These are probably the same type of people who blame everything on everyone else and refuse to take on the responsibility of their own actions. Boo hoo. Life is hard. It’s supposed to be hard so you build character and learn from mistakes we may make along the way.

I’m supposed to sit and listen to these college age kids in the early to mid-20s, whine and complain about how they can’t find a job and they can’t pay back their student loans and how they’re in so much debt when they are the ones who took on the debt and knew what they were getting into. Today’s youth thinks that everything should just be given to them. When I was 25 years old I had already been married with three kids, a mortgage, and was in a job I didn’t like. I did what I had to do to survive and to make sure that my family had everything that they needed. I didn’t expect somebody else to give us everything. I went out and worked two jobs (sometimes three) so that there was always a roof over my family’s head and food in their stomachs. If you haven’t had the opportunity to live, you shouldn’t be complaining about how hard life is. Because I have absolutely no sympathy for those of you who haven’t even given it a solid try or attempted to live anything that resembles reality. Grow up.

People need to stop drinking the kool-aid and start thinking for themselves in a rational manner in terms of actual reality. All these sheep, following blindly and spewing rhetoric they heard somewhere from someone trying to sell their agenda and gain power in a broken government, need a great big dose of reality. After all, there was a man in Germany in the 1930’s and 40’s whose rhetoric convinced an entire nation to follow him. That turned out well. Didn’t it?

We have what I like to refer to as the crazy 3-5% on the extreme right and left. These are the people who get up on their soapboxes and scream at the top of their lungs about how their way is right and everybody else is wrong and everybody should do what they say. These are the people who get everybody all up in a fury, convincing them that their problems are all someone else’s fault. And, if you follow them, they will make everything all right. The problem is, the left and the right are just different sides of the same coin. Neither one of them have the good of the People in mind.

Then, you have the next 5 to 10% that are not quite so far out there. But, they tend to listen to that crazy 3 to 5% and they do whatever good little sheep are told to do. They fall into that fever pitch and get all worked up and don’t even bother to look into whether or not the people telling them what to do actually know what they’re talking about.

Here is an interesting fact: from April 1-9, 2019, Gallup conducted a poll asking, “In politics, as of today, do you consider yourself a Republican, a Democrat, or an Independent?” 27% answered Republican, 26% answered Democrat, and a whopping 44% answered Independent.* 44%!!! 44% can change the world. As soon as that 44% realize they don’t have to pick the left or the right, and vote for a third party, life will begin to change for the better.

But in order for this to happen, an intense change in attitude has to take place. Maybe people should stop giving in to peer pressure. People also need to stop creating peer pressure. I learned early in life to not let people push me around. When I was six, I gave in to peer pressure, and the results were so disastrous (I was in a motorcycle accident), I vowed to never give in again. It took me another five years and another traumatic event (I was raped) to stand up to the bullies in my life. Hopefully, it won’t take something so big or traumatic to let you see the light.

We, as a nation, need to stop hiding from the truth. We drink alcohol and do recreational drugs to hide. We even drug our children to dull their senses when they don’t fit inside the box we tell them to get into. Hell, we don’t even properly educate our children any more. Aren’t children our future? Shouldn’t we be doing more to prepare them for what’s ahead instead of leaving them helpless to see what’s coming?

Our children should be everything to us. Family should be sacred. I see brothers and sisters fighting for their parents attention and the parents so busy trying to turn them against the other parent they forget what it actually means to love them. People need to learn it’s alright to not compete and just love their kids.

I know I’m very fortunate to have such a loving and supportive family. My family supported me through a lot. I know from NCTE’s research that most families would not have supported a transgender person in their midst. My brother, three sisters, step-brother and step-sister, both parents, all three of my children, and both my ex-wives have supported my transition. Like I said, I very fortunate.

Why can’t more families be supportive of one another? Wouldn’t that be awesome?

I know I walk an interesting path through this lifetime. I like to think I have a unique individuality. One that helps me make the best out of the crap life likes to throw our way.

I chose this picture I took of the solar eclipse for this blog because it shows the light breaking out from behind the moon to illuminate the world once more. I hope the light can get through to you all.

I am not a sheep, blindly following the flock. I am a lioness, carving my my through all that life throws at me.

Peace, Light, Love and Harmony to you all.

Mistress Catherine

https://www.paypal.me/CatherineBoudreau

*https://news.gallup.com/poll/15370/party-affiliation.aspx

𝔗𝔯𝔞𝔫𝔰𝔤𝔢𝔫𝔡𝔢𝔯 𝔇𝔞𝔶 𝔬𝔣 𝔙𝔦𝔰𝔦𝔟𝔦𝔩𝔦𝔱𝔶

March 31 is Transgender Day of Visibility. It happens every year. And, every year I try to make it a point to go out into the world and be “visible”. But, I got to thinking. Shouldn’t we be visible every day? Why do we need a day to go out and be visible? Why do we need a day to post on social media and let the world know that we are here?

Of course, I know all the answers to these questions. It’s an opportunity to let all the haters know that we are in fact still here and they can’t do anything about it. It’s an opportunity to tell everyone who sits idly by on the sidelines doing nothing that we are here and you being neutral is not helping.

I have gotten to the point that every time I go out in public, I don’t pay attention to people around me. I don’t see the people staring at me unless they’re extremely obvious about it. I no longer hear the hateful comments and remarks unless they are overly loud to make sure that I hear them. Believe it or not, most haters out there are too afraid to be noticed to say anything so loud that people around them came hear them. They are all loud here on social media, but when it comes to reality and the real world they don’t want anyone to know how they truly feel.

Having said that, however, anytime I go out in public with somebody else, they notice people staring and chuckling and saying things quietly to people they are with. They are the ones that are upset about all of this. I have come to terms with the fact that a majority of the people out there don’t except who I am. But, you know what? That’s their problem. Not mine. They are the small minded and weak individuals who can’t handle reality. I’m perfectly fine.

You see, I’ve gotten to the point in my life where I just don’t give a flying fuck what people think of me. In the witchy world, which I am a member of, that’s called becoming a Crone. I never really thought much about this until the past few months, and the only reason I’ve really even considered the fact that I am now a Crone, is because people have started to refer to me as one. You know what? I’m honored. Thank you very much for including me in such a really good group of strong, independent women. It’s a compliment. I’ll take it.

But, let’s get back to this whole visibility thing. I am perfectly aware that I will never “pass” as a cis gender woman. I have no delusions whatsoever. So, I know that every time I go out there, people see me as something different than what they consider normal. So, every time I go out in public, I am being visible for the community. I realize that I’m representing an entire community, so I try to be polite and courteous to people around me. I try to feminine and lady like as possible when I’m in public. But, why should I have to pretend to be something other than my true self to make others feel comfortable. Doesn’t the preamble of the Declaration of Independence state very clearly that we have the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness?

I’m a firm believer that the only person I should try to be, rather in private or in public, is myself. I shouldn’t have to be more feminine than a cis gender woman. I shouldn’t have to worry about showing masculine traits because it’s not becoming of a woman. I shouldn’t have to worry if I’m going to get beat up for going into the ladies room. The only things I should have to worry about when I’m in public are things like how bad the traffic is, or did I leave early enough to get there on time, or can get home safe and sound. I should not have to worry about some egotistical scumbag who doesn’t think I have the right to exist determining whether or not he has the right to kill me or beat me up or rape me or whatever else he feels he has the right to do.

In short, I think that I should be able to just go out into the world and be myself and not have to worry about anybody else being offended by my presence or existence. I mean, who am I hurting? No one. The answer is absolutely no one. What is so hard about that to understand?

I’m going to make a sort of a little bit of a challenge here. I’m going to challenge all of you to share this post. If you are a friend or an ally of a transgender person, and/or the community, please share this. I am actually going to tag every single one of my friends in a comment and ask them to read and share this during the week leading up to Transgender Day of Visibility. I think it’s going to be interesting to see how many people will actually do it. I don’t mean to guilt anybody here, but how many people are actually going to be willing to admit that they support me and the transgender community? How many people just give me lipservice but standby and do nothing while our government tries to erase my existence? So, I challenge you to share this blog and then in the comments tag all your friends who aren’t common friends with me so that they see it and read it. Then, challenge them to do the same thing. Let’s see if we can get some visibility out there. Let’s see if we can get people to recognize that I, as a transgender woman, have a right to exist. What do you think? Are you willing? I really hope so.

Let’s see if we can get this message out there and make even just the slightest bit of a difference.

My name is Catherine Marie Boudreau. I am transgender. I am a woman. And, I exist.

Love, Light, Peace, and Harmony

https://www.paypal.me/CatherineBoudreau

A Girl and Her Clothes

Here is something that a lot of people may or may not know about me. I hate wearing pants. I really do. To the extreme. I never really liked to wear them. If I never had to wear a pair of pants again for the rest of my life, I would be a very happy girl.

I do, however, love to wear dresses and skirts. I wish I could wear a dress or a skirt and blouse every day. It’s not practical to, however. It would be very difficult to perform my duties at work and to do some things around the house. I look for excuses to wear a skirt or a dress. I actually look for excuses to get dressed up.

I wish I had an excuse to own a cocktail dress or two. (Or three or four or five. LOL) Wouldn’t it be nice to get all dressed up and go to a party. I don’t exactly run in that sort of social crowd. I don’t really even get invited to that many weddings. Speaking of which, I never got to wear a wedding gown.

But, my affinity for dresses goes very deep. I like to watch period pieces so I can see the lovely dresses the women get to wear in them. Shows like The Tudors, Game of Thrones, Downton Abbey, Versailles and others.

I think the Victorian Era is one of my favorites. The Renaissance. Antebellum America.

I like the idea of Renaissance fairs, and being able to wear one of those gowns. I’ve never been to one. At this point in my life, I don’t have the income I would need to own one of those beautiful dresses. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if they had Victorian and Antebellum fairs? Events spread out through the year so we could get all dressed up from different time periods. Someone should make that happen.

It really sucks that every time I see a masquerade being held for charity or something, I never have the money to attend.

And, why are all the really pretty dresses designed for skinny women and all us plus sized girls stuck with mostly ugly ass things.

Oh well. I’ll just keep wearing the dresses and skirts I have every chance I get and make the most of it.

Peace, love and light, my friends.

Catie

https://www.paypal.me/CatherineBoudreau

The Power of Air

This one’s a little different from my usual ramblings. I wrote this for an online publication, and whenever I do that, I always share it on my blog site. Most of the time it’s either witch or transgender related, so it fits right in. This time, the article was about the element air.

I couldn’t find a way to write it in my usual style, so I wrote this, instead.

Air is a very powerful force of nature. I’ve had some experience with this on a first hand basis. For those of you who don’t know me, I lived in South Florida, in the Florida Keys, for 26 years. During that time I went through three Category 5 Hurricanes. I also went through several other hurricanes of lesser extent and some tropical storms, as well. Don’t let the name tropical storm fool you, they can be just as damaging, sometimes even more so, than a hurricane.

My first Hurricane experience was Hurricane Andrew in 1992. The town of Homestead looked like somebody had actually dropped a bomb on it. The devastation was just unbelievable and I remember one of the people with me when we went back to the area to check my property started crying and asked to leave. Watching people sit through the wreckage of what used to be their homes is something that truly humbled me makes me feel how absolutely small I am in the grand scheme of things.

In 2005, I made my first trip to Missouri with my then girlfriend, now wife. We made an impromptu decision to make the drive up in August. She had sold her car she had in storage, and we needed to come up and get it out of the storage unit so that the buyer could pick it up. The day we were scheduled to leave is the day Tropical Storm Katrina hit the Florida Keys. After it passed, we decided to get in the car and make the drive anyway. As we were heading up the peninsula it doubled back and crossed over us as Hurricane Katrina. Because we were driving and really not paying attention to the news and figuring that everything would be OK, we did not realize that as we drove through Mississippi, Category 5 Hurricane Katrina was battering the area and we drove through it. This is not an experience I recommend to anybody. This is the most unbelievably stressful and nerve-racking experience I have ever been through.

We got the outskirts of Hurricane Rita in September, and in October, Wilma went through. But, the damage from Wilma was more water related than air. At least in my area.

I also experienced a tornado that went through the keys in the late 90s. I don’t remember exactly when and it didn’t effect me directly, but, I do remember people I know telling me that they had lost their homes to it. I remember the night it went through it sounded like the proverbial freight train that they tell you it sounds like, but it was about a mile to the north of where I was in Key Largo.

Any of you who have lived here in the Midwest for any amount of time have probably experienced, or know someone who’s experienced, a tornado. I remember having the alarms go off and experiencing my first tornado warning last summer (2018). We hadn’t done our research and we didn’t know what to do. Luckily for us, any tornadoes that were in the area were to the north of us and we remained safe.

So as you can see from my words here, air can be a very powerful and destructive force. But, air also can be a very lovely thing. That nice breeze on a warm summer day. I used to love to stand with my feet buried in the sand when I was up to my knees in the ocean at Sea Oats Beach, in the Florida Keys, with the wind blowing through my hair. It was a very calming and refreshing experience. Very cleansing.

And then, of course, there are sound waves. Sound waves travel through the air. That vibration of tones that resonate through the air that causes sound. It allows us to hear things (the wind blowing through the trees?). Like music, for example.

One of my favorite artists once said something along the lines of “the concept that music, as a series of vibrations, resonates within the body to create emotion.” How true is that? Who hasn’t been effected emotionally by music at sometime in their lives? I know that whenever I get overwhelmed by life, either too angry or emotionally upset, I turn on my favorite music to help me get to my happy place.

So, I think we’ve established that air can be very powerful thing in both a positive and negative way. It is something that should be respected.

Peace, Love and Light, my friends.

https://www.paypal.me/CatherineBoudreau